I'm starting 2015 on the edge of depression.
There. I said it.
It's been a steady descent, but I'm unable to identify it's start. But I do know that had I not yanked on the brakes and brought this thing to a screeching halt, I'd have gone over into the abyss. I just don't know how long the brake is going to hold.
I'm a fairly pragmatic, no-nonsense kind of person so I usually just barrel through things, especially emotional things. It's messy. Too much touchy-feely kind of things. It's not working this time. I feel like I'm treading mud.
It's not that I feel sad, or even down.
I feel nothing.
There are no highs. No joy, no laughter. And what would normally be considered low -tear producing- was passed long ago. There are no more tears. So, I can only go up, right?
Yet it doesn't feel that way.
I feel like I'm teetering, and how it goes is beyond my control. "Beyond my control" isn't something I handle well. Maybe that's what's helped to hang on so long. But is it truly possible to have a strong enough mind to just keep hanging on?
I've decided it just might be. Maybe it's not enough to pull me back up, but it might just be enough to keep me from falling further.
