Redemption as Renewal

Anyone older than a day has experienced some sort of loss in their life.  For some of us, that has been excruciating trauma, perhaps even more than once, often at the hands of those who are supposed to love us and protect us.  As I struggle through these events in my life, I find myself often overwhelmed with emotions, mostly anger and loss.  I begin to question.  Everything and everyone.  And I wonder if anything can ever come from what I've been through.

I've been through therapy, 12-step programs and support groups, each having it's own pros and cons. I've come to see that trauma is like an onion.  It has many layers before you actually get to it's core.  As each layer is peeled back, it exposes a level of suffering.  Sometimes this brings flashbacks and fear, and it always hurts.  It's hard to go through alone, but can be even harder to let someone in.  After all, it was people who did this.

But I have found that as each layer is exposed and dealt with, I find a new strength.  Each "small" step conquered, gives me the courage to allow the next layer to be peeled back.  Yes, I do have a say in this process.  I can choose to stay exactly where I am, to wallow in self pity, mourning my losses, being bitter and resentful.  Or, I can choose to experience the pain, mourn the loss, deal with my side of things and allow healing to take place.  It's never easy and it's usually not fast.  But I look at it like childbirth.  The labor might be long, or it might be short.  Every one's is different.  But one thing is sure, it will end.  And with the end comes joy!

Then I realize that healing is not easy, either.  After spending my whole life looking back, shutting people out, trying to forget, in essence focusing on, idolizing, and worshiping my trauma, I find myself with a free mind.  I can feel lost, not quite knowing what to do.  And wondering how that time lost, the energy misplaced, the emotional roller coaster and the trauma itself can be redeemed.  Can good really come from such evil?  Can peace come from the pain? Can light replace where it was once so dark?

Yes!  I've come to believe hurt is never wasted, pain doesn't have to last forever and good can come from evil.  And you know what?  I have something to offer.  How cool is that?  I know what this feels like, and I can share it with another person who's still in the pain and darkness of their trauma. I can share my experiences, how I have grown and survived, no flourished, in the face of adversity.

I have hope to give.  Hope for a new beginning.  Hope for healing.  The belief that things can be better.  My awfulness has been redeemed!  My life is not lost.  It has been renewed, and that is something worth sharing.