Weight is a Mind Game

I just had my five-year anniversary of gastric bypass surgery.
I lost 106 pounds, became a "new" person and gained a whole new lease on life.

Life is hard when so much focus is placed on your weight.  It doesn't matter if you're morbidly obese, borderline emaciated or somewhere in between.  When all the comments you hear are weight-related, it begins to be all you think about, too.

Do my rolls show in this shirt?

Are people judging what I eat?

Will my butt fit in that seat?

After losing all that weight, I still had those type of questions in my head.

How bad does my loose skin look in this bathing suit?

Why is everyone commenting on when and what I eat?

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have that weight off.  I feel so much better.  I have less stress on my joints, my fibromyalgia is under control and several other issues have subsided.  But I'm still fat in my mind.    Actual weight doesn't change what you see in your mind when you look into the mirror. You see, some of us use that weight as a buffer.  I used it to deflect attention.  I used it as a buffer against physical relationship.

Without it, I'm exposed.
Weight is just as much a mental issue as it is a physical one, and people don't understand that.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm oh-so-glad to have that weight off.  But, honestly, it's a struggle to not go back.  I know that won't make sense to many of you reading this.  Have I gained some weight? Yes, tho not much.  I'm only up one jean size.  Could I have done better?  Absolutely.  But I also could have done much worse.

I'm learning.  My life isn't defined by how much I weigh.  What others think or say, especially those I don't know, shouldn't carry any weight in how I feel about myself. What I see in the mirror is the reality, not the voice in my head.

So, thank you to those who've been on this journey with me.  Your support had been, and continues to be, immensely important.