I stood at the kitchen sink, staring out the window into my backyard. I've been having a tough time lately. So many things are weighing heavy on my heart. A judge who disbelieves my doctors' diagnoses, and denied me disability. A global pandemic that keeps me isolated even more than usual, robbing me of time with friends and family. The torturous process of scheduling a Covid vaccine. The added stress of these things (and more!) increasing the amount of pain I experience daily.
As I stood there I started humming. It was a song from my childhood that I haven't heard in years. "What have I to dread, what have I to fear leaning on the everlasting arms?" I struggled to remember the words. They didn't come to me, but the tune did. By the time I got to the chorus, "leaning, leaning safe and secure from all alarm, leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms", I was in tears.
Leaning. It sounds so easy. I picture someone leaning up against a tree, peacefully watching what is going on. That didn't really describe how I was feeling.
Leaning. No, more like desperately clinging. I picture someone clinging to a palm tree in a hurricane, holding on with all his might because that's his only hope.
Over the next few days, the song stayed in my mind. I finally googled it just to find out what the lyrics were. I found myself humming it throughout the day. It was on my mind when I fell asleep, and there when I woke. "What a fellowship, what a joy divine, leaning on the everlasting arms; what a blessedness, what a peace is mine, leaning on the everlasting arms." Sometimes it brought tears. Always it brought peace.
One time, I had a flashback and I heard my dad's tenor voice, leading this song in church. I closed my eyes, wet with tears, and listened as he sang. I was back in my childhood church. I heard the others singing, but my dad's voice rang out, "leaning, leaning, leaning on Jesus, leaning on the everlasting arms". Peace washed over me.
I started leaning on God when I was a very little girl. He was the palm tree in what was the hurricane called my life. He was safety and strength. He rescued me from a horrible situation, and gave me a new family. He was peace and calm in the midst of fear and chaos. And He continues to be.
The first time I saw him, I saw a grandfatherly figure. His eyes were tender, and his arms outstretched to me. He stood on a porch, with a big rocking chair. He reached out to me, and I leaned into him.
I often go to this place when I am afraid.
Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Disheartened.
Sometimes I lean, sometimes I cling. But I am always comforted. As this song continues to play in my heart, I'm reminded to lean, to find comfort, to allow Him to handle it all.
"what a fellowship, what a joy divine, leaning on the everlasting arms
what a blessedness, what a peace is mine, leaning on the everlasting arms;
leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms,
leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.
What have I to dread, what have I to fear, leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near, leaning on the everlasting arms"
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