Make a choice already

I've spent the majority of my life deciding what I didn't want to be.

I didn't want to be a victim.
A victim like my mother, brutalized by someone she loved.  A victim like my grandmother who fought the demons but lost.  A victim like that lost little girl that men touched and kissed and based her worth on her looks.

I didn't want to be dependent on a man for... anything.
I didn't want a man to tell me if I could spend money or not.  Not like my mom.
I didn't want to need a man to fix things, open things, protect me from things.

I didn't want to be different.
Not the shy girl who couldn't meet your gaze.  Not the adopted girl who didn't look like the rest of the family..  Not the girl who scratched rashes or had non-stop cold sores. Not the girl with the past so scary that she couldn't talk about it.

I didn't want to be used.
Not by any one.  Least of all by a father who treated me like a possession. Or an uncle with disgusting motives. Or any one of the boys who tried to lure me away into dark rooms and wooded trails.

I didn't want to be afraid.
Afraid of an abusive father with a quick temper.  Afraid of turning out like my mother.  Afraid of being less than.  Afraid of not being able to protect myself and the ones I loved. Afraid of the dark.  Afraid of the silence.  Afraid of closed doors and unknown places.  Afraid of people and afraid of myself.  Afraid of making the wrong choice.  Afraid of losing everything... again.

I didn't want to be alone.

The problem is that while I was so focused on not being something, I didn't choose what I did want to be.  I just let my life morph me into someone hard, jaded, solitary, non-trusting, fierce, abrasive and wildly independent.    I built walls greater than the ones Trump has planned.  I learned to disconnect from my body, to not respond to touch.  I learned to free myself from external emotion, to pace my breathing and maintain control.  I learned to hide all emotion and project a blank canvas that didn't belie the turmoil just below the surface.

They say if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger.  I'm not sure that's the case.  I think it makes you harder.  People stop trying to get in, stop trying to penetrate the fortress that's been reinforced with fat and sarcasm on the outside, hurt and loneliness on the inside.  People pull away-- or are driven away-- and every fear about people is realized.

People suck.  People leave.  People hurt.  People disappoint.  People are... people.  And supposedly I need them.  Well, that's what I'm told.  I don't totally buy into that.  I'm skeptical.  But maybe I don't want to be.

It's all connected

I have widespread arthritis, and it's really done a job on my neck.  The vertebrae have growths on them, and there is no longer any cushioning between them, so my nerves are flattened in two places.  While meeting with the pain management doctor this week, we were discussing possible causes.  In turns out that while being a hairdresser for 15+ years is a definite contributing factor, it actually started long ago.

Due to immense trauma in my early childhood, I was a very shy child.  I walked around looking at the ground, bent at the neck, never looking anyone in the eye.  My shoulders were slumped and rounded, as id bearing the weight of the world.  My mom often told me to pull my shoulders back, to sit up straight, but when you think you're worthless it's a losing battle.  Being young, I didn't realize I was making a choice that would impact me later in life.

Driving home form that appointment I began thinking how something I did so long ago, something seemingly so innocent, would have such a drastic impact on my life today.  It made me wonder what other choices I made, things that seemed inconsequential, are playing out in my life today.  I'm sure I can never know their extent.  I can't go back and undo all the stupid things I did, and definitely not the choices others made for me.  But I can be more present in the choices I make from here on, realizing their impact will live on well beyond me like ripples on a pond or waves in the ocean.