My health saga continues. I'm facing an unpleasant diagnosis. In my attempt to control my emotions, to try and deal with this myself, I am alienating the ones I love.
I had a nasty test last week and I wouldn't let my husband come with me. In my mind, I was thinking I didn't want to be pitied by him. I was also thinking that if it was serious enough for him to come to the appointment with me, that what I'm facing is serious, and I just wasn't ready to face the severity of what is going on.
But by not letting him go I robbed him of being able to process this all in the way he needs. As he said, "What affects you affects all of us". I am not an island, desolate, surrounded by nothing but endless sea. Old habits and patterns are incredibly hard to change. You know what they say about old dogs and new tricks....
The other day I was contemplating my mortality. My children are grown now. My husband and I have done our best to raise them to be independent, productive human beings who can function on their own and make their mark in the world.
As I was thinking about this, I was taken back to when my daughter was just a few months old. My own mother died when I was very young, so I was quite sensitive about the possibility of my children growing up without their mother. It consumed my dreams, and occupied my thoughts during the day. I spent much time in tears, crying out to God. He promised me that my kids would not grow up without their mother. That promise has sustained me for the last 20 years. I knew nothing could take me away from them.
Yesterday, I realized they are grown.
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