Have you ever felt like you really just need a good cry? That's where I find myself lately. The emotions seems to continually be bubbling just below the surfce. A few tears may escape, here and there, but the torrent is dammed up.
Crying can be incredibly cathartic. Things just seem to be lighter, the air cleaner, the soul restored. But there is also a tremendous feeling of vulnerability that makes it hard for me to really get there. It's not that I'm opposed to crying, per se, just with what it represents. Tears remind me of children, weakness and loss. "Tears of joy" is something I have never understood, let alone experienced.
I'm not sure why it's so hard for me. Well, yes I am. There was a time when it was pretty free-flowing between bouts of stoicism. But it was used against me, so I turned it off again. It's not that I'm trying to keep it together for someone else; it's really is simply about me. I need to keep it together for me. If I just surrender to it I might not stop.
There is so much for me to mourn in my life right now, and yet it seems selfish to do it. There is also so much that is good, and I don't want to overshadow that. That's the quandry I find myself in: I'm conflicted about where to put my energy, my focus. It feels like it should be easy. Why wouldn't I just focus on the good? Good question. One I don't have an answer for. Maybe because my emotions are just at the end. My physical body is in constant pain, fighting me at every turn. Stealing so much energy and strength.
I'm not sure crying would really help, but it seems like such a good idea. Maybe that's just the exhaustion speaking. That's likely. I'm beyond worn out, and that usually goes one of two ways: extreme giddiness/silliness/laughter (which hasn't happened in what seems like an eternity) or tears. Yet I hang here in limbo.
Sounds like a chick flick might be in my near future.
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